Facts about Mitch Hedberg

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Summary

Mitch Hedberg was a famous Comedian from USA, who lived between February 24, 1968 and March 30, 2005. He/she became only 37 years old.

Zodiac etc.

He/she is born under the zodiac pisces, who is known for Fluctuation, Depth, Imagination, Reactive, Indecisive. Our collection contains 51 quotes who is written / told by Mitch, under the main topics: Dating, Food, Funny.

Here is some other popular authors who lived in the same timeframe: Didier Drogba, Rachel Corrie, Amy Lee, Amanda Peet, Chris Brown, Vanessa Hudgens, Jennifer Lopez, Mena Suvari, Lleyton Hewitt, Marliece Andrada, Jerry Yang, Edward Burns, Carmen Kass, Lawrence Jackson, Lara Logan, Lesley Boone, Steve McManaman, Willie Green, Alan Smith, Billy Bush

Famous quotes by Mitch Hedberg (51)


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"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that"
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"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults"
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"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them"
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"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
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"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set"
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"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones"
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"I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it"
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"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before"
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"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake"
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"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit"
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"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life"
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"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart"
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"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down"
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"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something"
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"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
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"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?"
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"It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?"
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"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky"
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"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"
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"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work"
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"If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower"
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"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up"
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"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later"
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"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late"
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"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too"
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"I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day"
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"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs"
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"I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary"
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"I remixed a remix, it was back to normal"
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"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific"
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"I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me"
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"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle"
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"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle"
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"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once"
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"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all"
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"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people"
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"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming"
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"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long"
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"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality"
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"I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle"
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"I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle"
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"I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring"
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"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"
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"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"
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"Dogs are forever in the push up postion"
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"Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen"
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"Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes"
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"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience"
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"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me"
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"A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap"
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"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer"


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