Funny Quotes


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"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country"
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"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included"
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"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three"
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"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets"
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"I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time"
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"My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic"
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"That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard"
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life"
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"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare"
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"I think serial monogamy says it all"
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"As I get older, I just prefer to knit"
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"I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut"
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"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant"
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"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is"
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"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass"
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"A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers"
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"Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day"
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"The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder"
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"I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair"
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"I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun"
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"I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries"
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"When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine"
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"Electricity is really just organized lightning"
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"Weather forecast for tonight: dark"
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"I failed to make the chess team because of my height"
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"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens"
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"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own"
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"My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra"
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"Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell"
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