Famous quotes by Comedians


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"Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong"
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"A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?"
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"You've got to be rich to have a swing like that"
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"You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it"
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"When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness"
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"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry"
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"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times"
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"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing"
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"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well"
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"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other"
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"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down"
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"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family"
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"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it"
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"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely"
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"Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly"
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"I don't know nothing about no marriages or nothing. I ain't even never been to a wedding"
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"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that"
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"It's weird, I never wish anything bad upon anybody, except two or three old girlfriends"
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"Yeah, that came out of a reading. It was great. It's such a fun crew to be with, and we all went out the night before and that really encouraged us to go out and get drunk"
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"If you've got a talent, protect it"
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"The thing that bums me out about 'The Real World' is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid"
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"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing"
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"I intend to live forever. So far, so good"
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"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me"
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"Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?"
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"Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive"
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"I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get"
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"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy"
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"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock"
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"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in"
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