Funny Quotes (Top 100)

Witty Funny Quotes (Clever One-Liners)

These witty one-liners are perfect for captions, quick laughs in a speech, or breaking the ice in a group chat, smart, sharp, and instantly shareable.

"I can resist everything except temptation".

— Oscar Wilde

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please".

— Mark Twain

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well— I have others".

— Groucho Marx

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member".

— Groucho Marx

"I hate writing. I love having written".

— Dorothy Parker

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on".

— Samuel Goldwyn

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it".

— Yogi Berra

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough".

— Mae West

"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted".

— Mae West

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good".

— Steven Wright

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time".

— Steven Wright

"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything".

— Mitch Hedberg

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that".

— Mitch Hedberg

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper".

— Jerry Seinfeld

"I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again".

— Joan Rivers

"Housework, if done properly, can kill you".

— Erma Bombeck

"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens".

— Woody Allen

"I went to a fancy French restaurant called Deja Vu. The headwaiter said, 'Don't I know you?'"

— Rita Rudner

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it".

— Bob Hope

"Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery".

— Spike Milligan

"Take my wife, please!"

— Henny Youngman

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it".

— W. C. Fields

"Youth is wasted on the young".

— George Bernard Shaw

"I am easily satisfied with the very best".

— Winston Churchill

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house".

— George Carlin

Sarcastic Funny Quotes (Dry Humor & Sass)

Use these sarcastic funny quotes when you want a sharper edge, ideal for playful shade, witty comebacks, and that perfectly deadpan post.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go".

— Oscar Wilde

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it".

— Mark Twain

"Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me".

— Ambrose Bierce

"The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue".

— Dorothy Parker

"I've been called worse by better".

— Fran Lebowitz

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set— I go into the other room and read a book".

— Groucho Marx

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by".

— Douglas Adams

"I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train".

— Oscar Wilde

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes".

— Oscar Wilde

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups".

— George Carlin

"Just 'cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town".

— George Carlin

"Between two evils— I always pick the one I never tried before".

— Mae West

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception".

— Groucho Marx

"Old age ain't no place for sissies".

— Bette Davis

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio".

— Joan Rivers

"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it".

— Steven Wright

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them".

— Mitch Hedberg

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it".

— Groucho Marx

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it".

— W. C. Fields

"Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it".

— George Bernard Shaw

"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun".

— Katharine Hepburn

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force".

— Dorothy Parker

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying".

— Oscar Wilde

"If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they're happy".

— Dorothy Parker

"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals".

— Winston Churchill

Relatable Funny Quotes About Life (Work— Weekends & Adulting)

These funny quotes hit because they're true: work stress, cravings, procrastination, and the daily chaos of being human. Great for friends, coworkers, and "same" moments.

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt".

— Charles M. Schulz

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food".

— Julia Child

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight".

— Phyllis Diller

"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be".

— Erma Bombeck

"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone".

— Jack Handey

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day".

— A. A. Milne

"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want".

— Bill Watterson

"Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless".

— Bill Watterson

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long".

— Mitch Hedberg

"I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut".

— Mitch Hedberg

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments".

— Earl Wilson

"A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in".

— Robert Orben

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night".

— Steve Martin

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them".

— Rodney Dangerfield

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already".

— Dave Barry

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well".

— Mark Twain

"Never trust anyone who has not brought a book with them".

— Lemony Snicket

"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing".

— Ron Swanson

"Whenever I'm about to do something— I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' and if they would— I do not do that thing".

— Dwight Schrute

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious".

— Michael Scott

"We have to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work".

— Leslie Knope

"Trying is the first step toward failure".

— Homer Simpson

"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

— Chandler Bing

"I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness".

— Bill Watterson

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook".

— Julia Child

Light Self-Irony Quotes (Laughing at Yourself)

For humble-brag moments, awkward honesty, and playful self-roasts: these self-irony quotes help you laugh with (and at) yourself, without getting mean.

"I am not young enough to know everything".

— Oscar Wilde

"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened".

— Mark Twain

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city".

— George Burns

"I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life".

— George Burns

"Reality: What a concept".

— Robin Williams

"I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone".

— Steven Wright

"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, 'I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.'"

— Steven Wright

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse".

— Groucho Marx

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?"

— Groucho Marx

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific".

— Lily Tomlin

"The road to success is always under construction".

— Lily Tomlin

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs".

— Mitch Hedberg

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too".

— Mitch Hedberg

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right".

— Ashleigh Brilliant

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts".

— Will Rogers

"Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else".

— Will Rogers

"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment".

— Rita Mae Brown

"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough".

— Jean Kerr

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning".

— Catherine Aird

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it".

— Mae West

"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty".

— Groucho Marx

"I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it".

— Dorothy Parker

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them".

— Mitch Hedberg

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito".

— Dalai Lama

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying".

— Oscar Wilde