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Funny (88, page 2)
Funny Quotes
"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat"
Erma Bombeck, Journalist
"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height"
Casey Stengel, Athlete
"Never have more children than you have car windows"
Erma Bombeck, Journalist
"Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs"
Alfred Hitchcock, Director
"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell"
Robert Byrne, Celebrity
"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore"
Yogi Berra, Athlete
"Never floss with a stranger"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder"
Al Gore, Vice President
"My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I"
Oscar Levant, Composer
"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand"
Emo Philips, Comedian
"I have never been hurt by what I have not said"
Calvin Coolidge, President
"California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange"
Fred Allen, Comedian
"Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn"
Hesiod, Poet
"My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra"
Angie Dickinson, Actress
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day"
Frank Sinatra, Musician
"He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house"
Zsa Zsa Gabor, Actress
"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets"
Mel Brooks, Comedian
"A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers"
Kevin Nealon, Actor
"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid"
Hedy Lamarr, Actress
"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it"
Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man"
Lana Turner, Actress
"I rant, therefore I am"
Dennis Miller, Comedian
"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare"
Mike Myers, Comedian
"I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time"
Charles M. Schulz, Cartoonist
"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
Phyllis Diller, Comedian
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is"
Ellen DeGeneres, Comedian
"When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine"
David Brenner, Comedian
"My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?"
Margaret Smith, Comedian
"I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more"
James Brown, Musician
"I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut"
Ellen DeGeneres, Comedian
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three"
Elayne Boosler, Comedian
"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me"
Elayne Boosler, Comedian
"As I get older, I just prefer to knit"
Tracey Ullman, Comedian
"Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day"
Jay Leno, Comedian
"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant"
Ellen DeGeneres, Comedian
"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass"
David Lee Roth, Musician
"I think serial monogamy says it all"
Tracey Ullman, Comedian
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