Humor & Wit: Dark Humor Quotes

Similar topics:Funny Puns & Wordplay Sarcastic Savage Witty One-Liners

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done"

George Carlin, Comedian

George Carlin

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten"

George Carlin, Comedian

George Carlin

"Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued!"

Bob Hope, Comedian

Bob Hope

"I like children - fried"

W. C. Fields, Comedian

W. C. Fields

"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate"

Ambrose Bierce, Journalist

Ambrose Bierce

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer"

Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

Mitch Hedberg

"So I don't cry anymore, I just beat people up. It's a lot more fun"

Peter Steele, Musician

Peter Steele

"Genius is always allowed some leeway, once the hammer has been pried from its hands and the blood has been cleaned up"

Terry Pratchett, Author

Terry Pratchett

"There is nothing more helpless and irresponsible than a man in the depths of an ether binge"

Hunter S. Thompson, Journalist

Hunter S. Thompson

"People are essentially red meat. They are"

Max Cannon, Artist

Max Cannon

"Swans sing before they die - 'twere no bad thing should certain persons die before they sing"

Samuel Taylor Coleridge, Poet

Samuel Taylor Coleridge

"When anarchy is declared, the first thing we do, let's kill all the anarchists"

Craig Bruce, Writer

Craig Bruce

"Now I know why tigers eat their young"

Al Capone, Criminal

"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped"

Sam Levenson, Author

"Small earthquake in Chile. Not many dead"

Claud Cockburn, Journalist

Claud Cockburn

"His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin"

John Philpot Curran, Public Servant

"The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb"

Benny Hill, Comedian

"I've never had an easy relationship with critics. I hold a lot of homicide in my heart. If this was another time, I'd be packing a piece"

Jim Dine, Artist

"When they show the destruction of society on color TV, I want to be able to look out over Los Angeles and make sure they get it right"

Phil Ochs, Musician

Phil Ochs

"Eating people is wrong"

Michael Flanders, Actor

"You just activated a nuclear warhead, my friend"

John Travolta, Actor

John Travolta

"The real reason for comedy is to hide the pain"

Wendy Wasserstein, Playwright

"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth"

Janeane Garofalo, Comedian

"He would make a lovely corpse"

Charles Dickens, Novelist

Charles Dickens

"To be famous, in fact, one has only to kill one's landlady"

Albert Camus, Philosopher

Albert Camus

"Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere"

C. S. Lewis, Author

C. S. Lewis

"Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective"

P. J. O'Rourke, Journalist

P. J. O'Rourke

"Actually, I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs"

Jim Morrison, Musician

Jim Morrison

"Don't trust the heart, it wants your blood"

Stanislaw Lec, Poet

Stanislaw Lec

"Maybe humans are just the pet alligators that God flushed down the toilet"

Chuck Palahniuk, Novelist

Chuck Palahniuk

"It had all the earmarks of a CIA operation; the bomb killed everybody in the room except the intended target!"

William F. Buckley, Jr., Journalist

William F. Buckley, Jr.

"I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun"

Matt Groening, Cartoonist

Matt Groening

"Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs"

Alfred Hitchcock, Director

Alfred Hitchcock

"Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some"

Alfred Hitchcock, Director

Alfred Hitchcock

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash"

Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian

Jerry Seinfeld

"A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer"

A. Whitney Brown, Comedian

A. Whitney Brown

"In the future, torture will once again become the recreational sport of the rich"

Doug Coupland, Author

Doug Coupland

"It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious"

Bill Hicks, Comedian

Bill Hicks

"Life - and I don't suppose I'm the first to make this comparison - is a disease: sexually transmitted, and invariably fatal"

Neil Gaiman, Author

Neil Gaiman

"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry"

Robert Benchley, Comedian

Robert Benchley

Page 2 of 11

We use cookies and local storage to personalize content, analyze traffic, and provide social media features. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media and analytics partners. By continuing to use our site, you consent to our Privacy Policy.