Humor & Wit: Dark Humor Quotes

Similar topics:Funny Puns & Wordplay Sarcastic Savage Witty One-Liners

"I specialize in murders of quiet, domestic interest"

Agatha Christie, Writer

Agatha Christie

"It is unthinkable for a Frenchman to arrive at middle age without having syphilis and the Cross of the Legion of Honor"

Andre Gide, Novelist

Andre Gide

"A racing tipster who only reached Hitler's level of accuracy would not do well for his clients"

A. J. P. Taylor, Historian

A. J. P. Taylor

"What? You'd dare drink right after getting out of jail for intoxication? That's when you need a drink the most"

Charles Bukowski, Poet

Charles Bukowski

"The people are the biggest horror show on earth, have been for centuries"

Charles Bukowski, Poet

Charles Bukowski

"The crazy ones only laugh when there is no reason to laugh"

Charles Bukowski, Poet

Charles Bukowski

"Sundays kill more people than bombs"

Charles Bukowski, Poet

Charles Bukowski

"Sex is interesting, but it's not totally important. I mean it's not even as important (physically) as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement"

Charles Bukowski, Poet

Charles Bukowski

"Curses on the law! Most of my fellow citizens are the sorry consequences of uncommitted abortions"

Karl Kraus, Writer

Karl Kraus

"There are few things more fundamentally encouraging and stimulating than seeing someone else die"

Stanley Kubrick, Director

Stanley Kubrick

"The laughter of man is more terrible than his tears, and takes more forms: hollow, heartless, mirthless, maniacal"

James Thurber, Comedian

James Thurber

"Show me a person who doesn't like to laugh and I'll show you a person with a toe tag"

Julia Roberts, Actress

Julia Roberts

"Clowns drink to blot out the ravages of terrifying children for a living"

Doug Coupland, Author

Doug Coupland

"Anything awful makes me laugh. I misbehaved once at a funeral"

Charles Lamb, Critic

Charles Lamb

"I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

Demetri Martin

"There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine"

P. G. Wodehouse, Writer

P. G. Wodehouse

"The greatest mistake I made was not to die in office"

Dean Acheson, Statesman

Dean Acheson

"Even nowadays, a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous"

Robert Benchley, Comedian

Robert Benchley

"A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death!"

Robert Benchley, Comedian

Robert Benchley

"I have always thought the suicide should bump off at least one swine before taking off for parts unknown"

Ezra Pound, Poet

Ezra Pound

"Cancer, like any other illness, is a bore"

Alan Bennett, Dramatist

Alan Bennett

"The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old"

Barney Stinson, Actor

Barney Stinson

"Quit worrying about your health. It will go away!"

Robert Orben, Entertainer

"The Louvre is a morgue; you go there to identify your friends"

Jean Cocteau, Director

Jean Cocteau

"It is surely easier to confess a murder over a cup of coffee than in front of a jury"

Friedrich Durrenmatt, Author

Friedrich Durrenmatt

"To work hard, to live hard, to die hard, and then go to hell after all would be too damn hard"

Carl Sandburg, Poet

Carl Sandburg

"I want the people of New Jersey to jump off a cliff like Kurt Vonnegut so I can show them how to fly. This way, nobody needs to grow any wings, which would be impossible anyway because we're humans and not some kind of bird"

Richie Sambora, Musician

Richie Sambora

"The humor is essentially dark for a cartoon and sophisticated. But at the same time, being a cartoon gives the writers more freedom than in a normal sitcom. It always pushes the line that, despite human failings, the Simpsons are really decent people"

Dan Castellaneta, Actor

Dan Castellaneta

"Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them"

Dan Castellaneta, Actor

Dan Castellaneta

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you!"

Katharine Hepburn, Actress

Katharine Hepburn

"Death will be a great relief. No more interviews"

Katharine Hepburn, Actress

Katharine Hepburn

"I was kind of excited about going to jail the first time, and I learnt some great dialogue"

Quentin Tarantino, Director

Quentin Tarantino

"There are certain people that are marked for death. I have my little list of those that treated me unfairly"

Jennifer Lopez, Musician

Jennifer Lopez

"I wanted to be bored to death, as good a way to go as any"

Peter De Vries, Novelist

"Murder, like talent, seems occasionally to run in families"

George Henry Lewes, Philosopher

George Henry Lewes

"Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution"

Jay Leno, Comedian

Jay Leno

"Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments"

Jay Leno, Comedian

Jay Leno

"There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbours will say"

Cyril Connolly, Journalist

"Sir, one more comment like that and I will strangle you with my microphone wire!"

Adam Sandler, Actor

Adam Sandler

"I have the reputation of being easygoing. But inside, I'm like nails. I will kill!"

Calvin Klein, Designer

Calvin Klein

Page 5 of 11

We use cookies and local storage to personalize content, analyze traffic, and provide social media features. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media and analytics partners. By continuing to use our site, you consent to our Privacy Policy.