Humor & Wit: Puns & Wordplay Quotes

Similar topics:Dark Humor Funny Sarcastic Savage Witty One-Liners

"There is a single entendre, but I don't know about a triple one"

Julian Clary, Comedian

"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"

Jon Carroll, Journalist

"Puns are the droppings of soaring wits"

Victor Hugo, Author

Victor Hugo

"'Do you spell it with a "V" or a "W"?' inquired the judge. 'That depends upon the taste and fancy of the speller, my Lord'"

Charles Dickens, Novelist

Charles Dickens

"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row'"

Steven Wright, Comedian

Steven Wright

"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy"

Steven Wright, Comedian

Steven Wright

"That's the reason they're called lessons, because they lesson from day to day"

Lewis Carroll, Author

Lewis Carroll

"I have this one little saying: when things get too heavy, just call me helium, the lightest known gas to man"

Jimi Hendrix, Musician

Jimi Hendrix

"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water"

Franklin P. Jones, Journalist

Franklin P. Jones

"I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy"

Tim Vine, Comedian

Tim Vine

"One way to get high blood pressure is to go mountain climbing over molehills"

Earl Wilson, Athlete

Earl Wilson

"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, 'cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries'"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

Demetri Martin

"I lost some time once. It's always in the last place you look for it"

Neil Gaiman, Author

Neil Gaiman

"A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself"

Doug Larson, Cartoonist

Doug Larson

"Language, philosophy, and science are interwoven into the design of words, which are manipulated to create surprising illusions"

John Langdon, Politician

"I have learned the difference between a cactus and a caucus. On a cactus, the pricks are on the outside"

Mo Udall, Politician

"To be happy in this world, first you need a cell phone and then you need an airplane. Then you're truly wireless"

Ted Turner, Businessman

"Square meals often make round people"

E. Joseph Cossman, Businessman

"I have a punishing workout regimen. Every day I do 3 minutes on a treadmill, then I lie down, drink a glass of vodka and smoke a cigarette"

Anthony Hopkins, Actor

Anthony Hopkins

"It's pronounced 'Romaine,' like the lettuce"

Rebecca Romijn, Actress

"The faster you go, the shorter you are"

Albert Einstein, Physicist

Albert Einstein

"I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific"

Steven Wright, Comedian

Steven Wright

"I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add"

Steven Wright, Comedian

Steven Wright

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

Steven Wright, Comedian

Steven Wright

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place"

Steven Wright, Comedian

Steven Wright

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country"

Steven Wright, Comedian

Steven Wright

"Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left"

Ambrose Bierce, Journalist

Ambrose Bierce

"Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues"

Ambrose Bierce, Journalist

Ambrose Bierce

"I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it"

Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

Mitch Hedberg

"Carpe per diem - seize the check"

Robin Williams, Comedian

Robin Williams

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all"

Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

Mitch Hedberg

"Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it"

Marshall McLuhan, Sociologist

Marshall McLuhan

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people"

Dan Quayle, Vice President

Dan Quayle

"I know they are all environmentalists. I heard a lot of my speeches recycled"

Jesse Jackson, Activist

Jesse Jackson

"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. If makes it feel needed"

Charles M. Schulz, Cartoonist

Charles M. Schulz

"Some dog I got, too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

Rodney Dangerfield

"Partying is such sweet sorrow"

Robert Byrne, Celebrity

Robert Byrne

"A bee is never as busy as it seems; it's just that it can't buzz any slower"

Kin Hubbard, Journalist

Kin Hubbard

"I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one!"

Paul Simon, Musician

Paul Simon

"California is a great place to live if you're an orange"

Fred Allen, Comedian

Fred Allen

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