Humor & Wit: Witty One-Liners Quotes

Enjoy a curated mix of crisp, clever cracks that land in a single breath. These witty one-liners span playful puns, sly observations, and quick comebacks, offering light laughs and smart wordplay. Whether you are seeking a mood boost, a shareable caption, or a spark for your own humor, this selection blends fresh voices with timeless favorites. Dip in for quick inspiration and leave with lines that brighten conversation without overstaying their welcome.

Similar topics:Dark Humor Funny Puns & Wordplay Sarcastic Savage

"Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are"

Oscar Wilde, Dramatist

Oscar Wilde

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch"

Woody Allen, Director

Woody Allen

"Software is like sex: it's better when it's free"

Linus Torvalds, Businessman

Linus Torvalds

"Somoza may be a son of a bitch, but he's our son of a bitch"

Franklin D. Roosevelt, President

Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Don't worry about the horse being blind, just load the wagon"

John Madden, Coach

John Madden

"If you understood everything I say, you'd be me!"

Miles Davis, Musician

Miles Davis

"Women, can't live with them, can't live without them"

Desiderius Erasmus, Philosopher

Desiderius Erasmus

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese"

Charles de Gaulle, Leader

Charles de Gaulle

"The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease"

Voltaire, Writer

Voltaire

"I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it"

George Bernard Shaw, Dramatist

George Bernard Shaw

"Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles"

Frank Lloyd Wright, Architect

Frank Lloyd Wright

"It's not enough that I should succeed - others should fail"

David Merrick, Producer

David Merrick

"When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better"

Mae West, Actress

Mae West

"On two occasions I have been asked, 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question"

Charles Babbage, Mathematician

Charles Babbage

"A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent"

Jerome Lawrence, Playwright

Jerome Lawrence

"I've often said there's nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of a horse"

Ronald Reagan, President

Ronald Reagan

"Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving a fish a bath"

Arnold H. Glasow, Businessman

Arnold H. Glasow

"Grove giveth and Gates taketh away"

Bob Metcalfe, Scientist

Bob Metcalfe

"If voting made any difference, they wouldn't let us do it"

Mark Twain, Author

Mark Twain

"The city is not a concrete jungle, it is a human zoo"

Desmond Morris, Scientist

Desmond Morris

"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness"

Oscar Wilde, Dramatist

Oscar Wilde

"A woman uses her intelligence to find reasons to support her intuition"

Gilbert K. Chesterton, Writer

Gilbert K. Chesterton

"I don't do drugs. I am drugs"

Salvador Dali, Artist

Salvador Dali

"If a problem cannot be solved, enlarge it"

Dwight D. Eisenhower, President

Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it"

Bob Hope, Comedian

Bob Hope

"The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it... I can resist everything but temptation"

Oscar Wilde, Dramatist

Oscar Wilde

"A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell"

George Bernard Shaw, Dramatist

George Bernard Shaw

"A horse is dangerous at both ends and uncomfortable in the middle"

Ian Fleming, Author

Ian Fleming

"In heaven, all the interesting people are missing"

Friedrich Nietzsche, Philosopher

Friedrich Nietzsche

"Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days"

Benjamin Franklin, Politician

Benjamin Franklin

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull"

W. C. Fields, Comedian

W. C. Fields

"Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be"

Joan Rivers, Comedian

Joan Rivers

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps"

Emo Philips, Comedian

Emo Philips

"Always live in the ugliest house on the street - then you don't have to look at it"

David Hockney, Artist

David Hockney

"I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability"

Ron White, Comedian

Ron White

"Who is more foolish? The fool or the fool that follows it?"

Alec Guinness, Actor

Alec Guinness

"Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively"

Laurence J. Peter, Writer

Laurence J. Peter

"A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel"

Robert Frost, Poet

Robert Frost

"I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order"

Eric Morecambe, Comedian

Eric Morecambe

"If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

Paul Lynde

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