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Humor & Wit
Witty One-Liners (page 10)
Humor & Wit: Witty One-Liners Quotes
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"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil and you're a thousand miles from the corn field"
Dwight D. Eisenhower, President
"Everyone likes flattery; and when you come to Royalty you should lay it on with a trowel"
Benjamin Disraeli, Statesman
"The Linux philosophy is 'Laugh in the face of danger'. Oops. Wrong one. 'Do it yourself'. Yes, that's it"
Linus Torvalds, Businessman
"What a nice night for an evening"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"The real use of gunpowder is to make all men tall"
Thomas Carlyle, Writer
"Fools are my theme, let satire be my song"
Lord Byron, Poet
"For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen"
Douglas Adams, Writer
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive"
Elbert Hubbard, Writer
"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town"
George Carlin, Comedian
"The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else"
Lyndon B. Johnson, President
"A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on"
William S. Burroughs, Writer
"I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I could be such a wonderful wife to another wife's husband"
Judith Viorst, Author
"Life is tough, but it's tougher when you're stupid"
John Wayne, Actor
"I drink for the effect, because it loosens up the tongue a little bit"
Peter Steele, Musician
"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro"
Hunter S. Thompson, Journalist
"Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true"
Niels Bohr, Physicist
"When you launch in a rocket, you're not really flying that rocket. You're just sort of hanging on"
Michael P. Anderson, Astronaut
"Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement"
Charles M. Schulz, Cartoonist
"Politics is the entertainment branch of industry"
Frank Zappa, Musician
"If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library"
Frank Zappa, Musician
"I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches"
Alice Roosevelt Longworth, Author
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it"
George W. Bush, President
"If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks"
Brendan Behan, Dramatist
"Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
"I have no use for bodyguards, but I have very specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants"
Elvis Presley, Musician
"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?"
Clarence Darrow, Lawyer
"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt"
Herbert Hoover, President
"Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings"
George Will, Journalist
"If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country"
Mel Brooks, Comedian
"I dress to kill, but tastefully"
Freddie Mercury, Musician
"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature"
Dave Barry, Author
"There is a computer disease that anybody who works with computers knows about. It's a very serious disease and it interferes completely with the work. The trouble with computers is that you 'play' with them!"
Richard P. Feynman, Physicist
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