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Humor & Wit
Witty One-Liners (page 11)
Humor & Wit: Witty One-Liners Quotes
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"The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well"
Alfred Adler, Psychologist
"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them"
Bill Vaughan, Journalist
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes"
Jim Carrey, Actor
"We were looking for a 'good shepherd', and instead we got a German shepherd"
Pope Benedict XVI, Pope
"To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so"
Robert Orben, Entertainer
"I'm kind of in between a goody-goody and a rebel. I'm not bad, but I'm not good either. I'm a little crazy"
Michelle Wie, Athlete
"Punctuality is the virtue of the bored"
Evelyn Waugh, Author
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score"
Dan Gable, Athlete
"People who speak in metaphors should shampoo my crotch"
Jack Nicholson, Actor
"I don't believe in ghosts, but I am afraid of them"
Bjørnstjerne Bjørnson, Poet
"If we are to abolish the death penalty, I should like to see the first step taken by my friends the murderers"
Alphonse Karr, Critic
"Life is like Sanskrit read to a pony"
Lou Reed, Musician
"When you have the facts on your side, argue the facts. When you have the law on your side, argue the law. When you have neither, holler"
Al Gore, Vice President
"I did Lassie for six years and I never had anybody come up to me and say, 'It made me want to be a farmer.'"
June Lockhart, Actress
"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese"
Luis Bunuel, Director
"I love Germany so dearly that I hope there will always be two of them"
Francois Mauriac, Novelist
"At this year's Open, I'll have five boyfriends"
Anna Kournikova, Athlete
"Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands"
Jayne Mansfield, Actress
"I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women, French to men, and German to my horse"
Charles V, Royalty
"I keep waiting to meet a man who has more balls than I do"
Salma Hayek, Actress
"The greens are harder than a whore's heart"
Sam Snead, Athlete
"Procrastination is like a credit card: it's a lot of fun until you get the bill"
Christopher Parker, Actor
"If you wanna cry... use tissue paper, not your FB status"
Facebook
"Politics is the chloroform of the Irish people, or rather the hashish"
Oliver St. John, Statesman
"Video games are bad for you? That's what they said about rock-n-roll"
Shigeru Miyamoto, Designer
"Tax reform means, 'Don't tax you, don't tax me. Tax that fellow behind the tree.'"
Russell B. Long, Politician
"The sun don't shine on the same dog's ass all the time"
Catfish Hunter, Athlete
"They say any landing you can walk away from is a good one"
Alan Shepard, Astronaut
"To expect the unexpected shows a thoroughly modern intellect"
Oscar Wilde, Dramatist
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying"
Oscar Wilde, Dramatist
"It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information"
Oscar Wilde, Dramatist
"I will praise any man that will praise me"
William Shakespeare, Dramatist
"To succeed in the world, it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered"
Voltaire, Writer
"Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough"
Mark Twain, Author
"What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing, he knew nobody had said it before"
Mark Twain, Author
"Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive"
George Bernard Shaw, Dramatist
"If Hitler invaded hell, I would make at least a favorable reference to the devil in the House of Commons"
Winston Churchill, Statesman
"I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress"
Ronald Reagan, President
"I'm not confused. I'm just well mixed"
Robert Frost, Poet
"Prudence is a rich, ugly, old maid courted by incapacity"
William Blake, Poet
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