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Humor & Wit
Witty One-Liners (page 12)
Humor & Wit: Witty One-Liners Quotes
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"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Women should be obscene and not heard"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers"
Charles Dickens, Novelist
"Some people wanted champagne and caviar when they should have had beer and hot dogs"
Dwight D. Eisenhower, President
"Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep"
Albert Camus, Philosopher
"The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments"
Benjamin Disraeli, Statesman
"If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I know that two and two make four - and should be glad to prove it too if I could - though I must say if by any sort of process I could convert 2 and 2 into five it would give me much greater pleasure"
Lord Byron, Poet
"Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space"
Douglas Adams, Writer
"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted"
Mae West, Actress
"I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat"
Will Rogers, Actor
"I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"I drink, therefore I am"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... Look at the platypus"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"Perfection has one grave defect: it is apt to be dull"
W. Somerset Maugham, Playwright
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative"
John Stuart Mill, Philosopher
"A funny thing happened to me on the way to the White House"
Adlai E. Stevenson, Politician
"One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening"
Franklin P. Jones, Journalist
"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?"
W. Clement Stone, Businessman
"I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy"
Bernard Williams, Philosopher
"If nominated, I will not run; if elected, I will not serve"
William Tecumseh Sherman, Soldier
"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept"
Bill Watterson, Cartoonist
"A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat"
P. J. O'Rourke, Journalist
"Applause is a receipt, not a bill"
Dale Carnegie, Writer
"Einstein, stop telling God what to do!"
Niels Bohr, Physicist
"Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it's in Hamburger Technology"
Clive James, Author
"You know how sad your life is when you know the release date of DVDs"
Heston Blumenthal, Chef
"I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one"
Marilyn Monroe, Actress
"You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!"
Dolly Parton, Musician
"There is no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary"
Brendan Behan, Dramatist
"Never make predictions, especially about the future"
Casey Stengel, Athlete
"Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops"
Cary Grant, Actor
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
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