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Humor & Wit
Witty One-Liners (page 13)
Humor & Wit: Witty One-Liners Quotes
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"Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving"
Erma Bombeck, Journalist
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday"
Erma Bombeck, Journalist
"I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle"
Alfred Hitchcock, Director
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me"
Fred Allen, Comedian
"No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is just a mediocre brain, something like the President of the American Telephone and Telegraph Company"
Alan Turing, Mathematician
"I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin"
Oscar Levant, Composer
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult"
Rita Rudner, Comedian
"Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average"
Garrison Keillor, Writer
"If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it"
Tom Lehrer, Musician
"I have a very strict gun control policy: if there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it"
Clint Eastwood, Actor
"Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long"
Ogden Nash, Poet
"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming"
Jimmy Carter, President
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy"
Frank Sinatra, Musician
"I don't like jail, they got the wrong kind of bars in there"
Charles Bukowski, Poet
"As a teenager, you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you"
Fran Lebowitz, Journalist
"Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!"
Steve Martin, Comedian
"If you start throwing hedgehogs under me, I shall throw a couple of porcupines under you"
Nikita Khrushchev, Statesman
"I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators"
Gerald R. Ford, President
"Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.'- Except at a funeral"
Demetri Martin, Comedian
"Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye"
Bill Hicks, Comedian
"As usual, the Liberals offer a mixture of sound and original ideas. Unfortunately, none of the sound ideas is original and none of the original ideas is sound"
Harold Macmillan, Politician
"I've played golf with three U.S. presidents"
Lee Trevino, Athlete
"In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children"
Robert Benchley, Comedian
"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think"
Milton Berle, Comedian
"Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get"
Robert Orben, Entertainer
"Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something"
Wilson Mizner, Dramatist
"Life is a zoo in a jungle"
Peter De Vries, Novelist
"All the best people in life seem to like Linux"
Steve Wozniak, Businessman
"Thank God I'm an atheist"
Luis Bunuel, Director
"The arrival of a good clown exercises a more beneficial influence upon the health of a town than of twenty asses laden with drugs"
Thomas Sydenham, Scientist
"Drink the first. Sip the second slowly. Skip the third"
Knute Rockne, Coach
"If you play more than two chords, you're showing off"
Woody Guthrie, Musician
"I may be crazy, but it keeps me from going insane"
Waylon Jennings, Musician
"A liberal is a conservative who has been arrested"
Tom Wolfe, Journalist
"Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand"
Benny Hill, Comedian
"I asked a ref if he could give me a technical foul for thinking bad things about him. He said, of course not. I said, well, I think you stink. And he gave me a technical. You can't trust 'em"
Jim Valvano, Coach
"No Roman ever was able to say, 'I dined last night with the Borgias'"
Max Beerbohm, Actor
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar"
Drew Carey, Actor
"An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured"
Konrad Adenauer, Statesman
"Whenever I get married, I start buying Gourmet magazine"
Nora Ephron, Author
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