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Humor & Wit
Witty One-Liners (page 14)
Humor & Wit: Witty One-Liners Quotes
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"There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them"
Lawrence Welk, Musician
"The squeaky wheel doesn't always get greased; it often gets replaced"
John Peers
"There's a fine line between the Method actor and the schizophrenic"
Nicolas Cage, Actor
"I've been noticing gravity since I was very young"
Cameron Diaz, Actress
"I wish I was as cocksure of anything as Tom Macaulay is of everything"
Lord Melbourne, Statesman
"If you put Willem Dafoe, Liam Neeson and James Woods in a room together, there wouldn't be room for anyone else"
Dana Delany, Actress
"When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all"
Roger Zelazny, Writer
"Of course I've got lawyers. They are like nuclear weapons, I've got 'em 'cause everyone else has. But as soon as you use them they screw everything up"
Danny DeVito, Actor
"I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not"
Chevy Chase, Comedian
"Erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken"
Isabel Allende, Writer
"Don't let your mouth write a check that your tail can't cash"
Bo Diddley, Musician
"Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus"
Ozzy Osbourne, Musician
"Don't tell your friends about your indigestion. 'How are you' is a greeting, not a question"
Arthur Guiterman, Comedian
"I miss everything about Chicago, except January and February"
Gary Cole, Actor
"Bloody men are like bloody buses - you wait for about a year and as soon as one approaches your stop two or three others appear"
Wendy Cope, Poet
"Here's to our wives and sweethearts - may they never meet"
John Bunny, Actor
"If at first you do succeed - try to hide your astonishment"
Harry Banks, Soldier
"Ladies and gentleman, I've suffered for my music, now it's your turn"
Neil Innes, Writer
"What this country needs is a really good five cent cigar"
Thomas R. Marshall, Vice President
"The basis of optimism is sheer terror"
Oscar Wilde, Dramatist
"Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
Oscar Wilde, Dramatist
"Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactly the same opinion"
Oscar Wilde, Dramatist
"If you hold a cat by the tail, you learn things you cannot learn any other way"
Mark Twain, Author
"I can live for two months on a good compliment"
Mark Twain, Author
"Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable"
Mark Twain, Author
"A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me"
Abraham Lincoln, President
"An inventor is simply a fellow who doesn't take his education too seriously"
Charles F. Kettering, Inventor
"It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid"
George Bernard Shaw, Dramatist
"I enjoy convalescence. It is the part that makes the illness worth while"
George Bernard Shaw, Dramatist
"Every man over forty is a scoundrel"
George Bernard Shaw, Dramatist
"England and America are two countries separated by the same language"
George Bernard Shaw, Dramatist
"The length of this document defends it well against the risk of its being read"
Winston Churchill, Statesman
"I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly"
Winston Churchill, Statesman
"I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals"
Winston Churchill, Statesman
"He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire"
Winston Churchill, Statesman
"There's man all over for you, blaming on his boots the fault of his feet"
Samuel Beckett, Playwright
"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart"
H. L. Mencken, Writer
"Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian"
H. L. Mencken, Writer
"No matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting"
Ronald Reagan, President
"Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying"
Ronald Reagan, President
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