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Humor & Wit
Witty One-Liners (page 15)
Humor & Wit: Witty One-Liners Quotes
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Dark Humor
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"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead"
Woody Allen, Director
"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia"
Woody Allen, Director
"I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear"
Woody Allen, Director
"I hold it to be the inalienable right of anybody to go to hell in his own way"
Robert Frost, Poet
"No man is sane who does not know how to be insane on proper occasions"
Henry Ward Beecher, Clergyman
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"The greater part of critics are parasites, who, if nothing had been written, would find nothing to write"
J.B. Priestley, Writer
"Comedy, we may say, is society protecting itself - with a smile"
J.B. Priestley, Writer
"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics"
Benjamin Disraeli, Statesman
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"Adults are obsolete children"
Dr. Seuss, Writer
"There's naught, no doubt, so much the spirit calms as rum and true religion"
Lord Byron, Poet
"Society is now one polished horde, formed of two mighty tries, the Bores and Bored"
Lord Byron, Poet
"I don't believe it. Prove it to me, and I still won't believe it"
Douglas Adams, Writer
"A hard man is good to find"
Mae West, Actress
"A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up"
Mae West, Actress
"Some people see things that are and ask why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that"
George Carlin, Comedian
"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood"
George Carlin, Comedian
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose"
George Carlin, Comedian
"We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by"
Will Rogers, Actor
"All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance"
Will Rogers, Actor
"Television is chewing gum for the eyes"
Frank Lloyd Wright, Architect
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"I don't necessarily agree with everything I say"
Marshall McLuhan, Sociologist
"People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"The idea of playing a part where I get to wear a completely undetectable hairpiece... You can't walk away from that"
Rob Reiner, Director
"Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies"
Honore de Balzac, Novelist
"I want to stay away from politics, or else I'll probably end up putting my size fifteen foot into my mouth"
Peter Steele, Musician
"The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser - in case you thought optimism was dead"
Robert Brault, Philosopher
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance"
Franklin P. Jones, Journalist
"I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it"
Lewis Carroll, Author
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur"
Dan Quayle, Vice President
"I was known as the chief grave robber of my state"
Dan Quayle, Vice President
"People who say, 'Let the chips fall where they may,' usually figure they will not be hit by a chip"
Bernard Williams, Philosopher
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