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Humor & Wit
Witty One-Liners (page 16)
Humor & Wit: Witty One-Liners Quotes
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"Books had instant replay long before televised sports"
Bernard Williams, Philosopher
"About astrology and palmistry: they are good because they make people vivid and full of possibilities. They are communism at its best. Everybody has a birthday and almost everybody has a palm"
Kurt Vonnegut, Author
"The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head"
Terry Pratchett, Author
"It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewere, would much rather you weren't doing"
Terry Pratchett, Author
"Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind"
Terry Pratchett, Author
"A politician is a man who understands government. A statesman is a politician who's been dead for 15 years"
Harry S. Truman, President
"If you can't make it good, at least make it look good"
Bill Gates, Businessman
"Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic"
Dan Rather, Journalist
"The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when swerving away from the rabbit, hits a pedestrian"
Frank Herbert, Writer
"For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors and laugh at them in our turn?"
Jane Austen, Writer
"It is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are they the result of previous study?"
Jane Austen, Writer
"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely"
P. J. O'Rourke, Journalist
"I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it"
Charles M. Schulz, Cartoonist
"Democracy is an abuse of statistics"
Jorge Luis Borges, Poet
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer"
Frank Zappa, Musician
"To err is human. To blame someone else is politics"
Hubert H. Humphrey, Politician
"Never answer a question from a farmer"
Hubert H. Humphrey, Politician
"I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot"
Marilyn Monroe, Actress
"I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out"
Dolly Parton, Musician
"Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts"
Jim Morrison, Musician
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia"
Thomas Szasz, Psychologist
"Man is the only kind of varmint sets his own trap, baits it, then steps in it"
John Steinbeck, Author
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore"
Yogi Berra, Athlete
"With a gentleman I am always a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I try to be a fraud and a half"
Otto von Bismarck, Leader
"I don't know if he throws a spitball, but he sure spits on the ball"
Casey Stengel, Athlete
"All right, everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height"
Casey Stengel, Athlete
"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Henry A. Kissinger, Statesman
"I am not a speed reader. I am a speed understander"
Isaac Asimov, Scientist
"Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant"
Cary Grant, Actor
"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"I'm a meathead. I can't help it, man. You've got smart people and you've got dumb people"
Keanu Reeves, Actor
"Everything I did that required effort, I opened my mouth. Even to catch a ball, I opened my mouth"
Betty Cuthbert, Athlete
"If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done"
Scott Adams, Cartoonist
"Man, an ingenious assembly of portable plumbing"
Christopher Morley, Author
"Many are called, but few get up"
Oliver Herford, Author
"Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing"
Bernard Baruch, Businessman
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