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Humor & Wit
Witty One-Liners (page 17)
Humor & Wit: Witty One-Liners Quotes
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"Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing"
Bernard Baruch, Businessman
"Many are called, but few get up"
Oliver Herford, Author
"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family"
Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight"
Phyllis Diller, Comedian
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house"
Lewis Grizzard, Writer
"It is rare that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman"
Alexandre Dumas, Dramatist
"When we won the league championship, all the married guys on the club had to thank their wives for putting up with all the stress and strain all season. I had to thank all the single broads in New York"
Joe Namath, Athlete
"Till I was 13, I thought my name was "Shut Up""
Joe Namath, Athlete
"Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them"
Rita Rudner, Comedian
"A jury is a group of twelve people of average ignorance"
Herbert Spencer, Philosopher
"People say that I'm a millionaire, but that's not true - I only spend millions"
Robert Plant, Musician
"If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents"
Marcelene Cox, Writer
"When a man does a household job, he goes through three periods: contemplating how it will be done; contemplating when it will be done; and contemplating"
Marcelene Cox, Writer
"The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her"
Marcelene Cox, Writer
"Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!"
Golda Meir, Leader
"First need in the reform of hospital management? That's easy! The death of all dietitians, and the resurrection of a French chef"
Martin H. Fischer, Author
"Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion"
Thornton Wilder, Writer
"People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up"
Ogden Nash, Poet
"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity"
Bill Vaughan, Journalist
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day"
Frank Sinatra, Musician
"Cock your hat - angles are attitudes"
Frank Sinatra, Musician
"Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself as therapy"
Karl Kraus, Writer
"I don't make things complicated, that's the way they get all by themselves"
Mel Gibson, Actor
"My favorite animal is steak"
Fran Lebowitz, Journalist
"The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting"
Fran Lebowitz, Journalist
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night"
Steve Martin, Comedian
"Every time I look at my pocketbook, I see Jackie Robinson"
Willie Mays, Athlete
"Headlines twice the size of the events"
John Galsworthy, Author
"Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying, he sings"
Robert Burns, Poet
"You can't drown yourself in drink. I've tried, you float"
John Barrymore, Actor
"Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock"
John Barrymore, Actor
"Politeness is half good manners and half good lying"
Mary Wilson Little, Writer
"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters"
Demetri Martin, Comedian
"The best thing I know between France and England is the sea"
Douglas William Jerrold, Dramatist
"Our Father, which art in heaven - Stay there - And we will stay on earth - Which is sometimes so pretty"
Jacques Prevert, Poet
"I believe that every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises"
Neil Armstrong, Astronaut
"Ain't nuttin' but a peanut"
Ronnie Coleman, Athlete
"Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?"
Robert Benchley, Comedian
"I'm all in favour of free expression, provided it's kept rigidly under control"
Alan Bennett, Dramatist
"I'm bi-winning. I win here, I win there"
Charlie Sheen, Actor
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