Humor & Wit: Witty One-Liners Quotes

Similar topics:Dark Humor Funny Puns & Wordplay Sarcastic Savage

"Show me a good loser, and I will show you a loser"

Paul Newman, Actor

Paul Newman

"Sacred cows make the tastiest hamburger"

Abbie Hoffman, Activist

Abbie Hoffman

"It's useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office"

Shirley MacLaine, Actress

Shirley MacLaine

"I don't know which is more discouraging, literature or chickens?"

E. B. White, Writer

"One's too many, and a hundred's not enough"

Billy Wilder, Director

Billy Wilder

"In the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes"

Andy Warhol, Artist

Andy Warhol

"Diplomats were invented simply to waste time"

David Lloyd George, Statesman

David Lloyd George

"Never complain. Never explain"

Katharine Hepburn, Actress

Katharine Hepburn

"An Englishmen thinks seated; a Frenchmen standing; an American pacing, an Irishman, afterwards"

Austin O'Malley, Physicist

Austin O'Malley

"If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research"

Wilson Mizner, Dramatist

Wilson Mizner

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house"

Zsa Zsa Gabor, Actress

"I'm crazy, but I'm not stupid"

Jackie Chan, Actor

Jackie Chan

"Why waltz with a guy for 10 rounds if you can knock him out in one?"

Rocky Marciano, Athlete

"As the French say, there are three sexes - men, women, and clergymen"

Sydney Smith, Clergyman

Sydney Smith

"Like all young men, I set out to be a genius, but mercifully laughter intervened"

Lawrence Durrell, Writer

"As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder"

John Glenn, Astronaut

John Glenn

"Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald"

Navjot Singh Sidhu, Entertainer

"Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window"

Steve Wozniak, Businessman

Steve Wozniak

"Even paranoids have real enemies"

Delmore Schwartz, Poet

Delmore Schwartz

"If men liked shopping, they'd call it research"

Cynthia Nelms, Author

"I wouldn't mind seeing China if I could come back the same day"

Philip Larkin, Poet

"If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will"

Paul Harvey, Journalist

"I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool"

Katherine Whitehorn, Journalist

"I am an old scholar, better-looking now than when I was young. That's what sitting on your ass does to your face"

Leonard Cohen, Musician

"The chief cause of problems is solutions"

Eric Sevareid, Journalist

"An intellectual is a man who doesn't know how to park a bike"

Spiro T. Agnew, Politician

Spiro T. Agnew

"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare"

Mike Myers, Comedian

"Each section of the British Isles has its own way of laughing, except Wales, which doesn't"

Stephen Leacock, Economist

"Wagner is a composer who has beautiful moments but awful quarter hours"

Gioachino Rossini, Composer

"I'm one of those regular weird people"

Janis Joplin, Musician

Janis Joplin

"Farce is tragedy played at a thousand revolutions per minute"

John Mortimer, Novelist

"Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising"

Cyril Connolly, Journalist

"My one purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others"

Jamie Zawinski, Scientist

"The first thing I'll do if elected is demand a recount"

Kinky Friedman, Musician

"Coughing in the theater is not a respiratory ailment. It is a criticism"

Alan Jay Lerner, Dramatist

"I believe in practicing prudence at least once every two or three years"

Molly Ivins, Journalist

"Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you?"

Hulk Hogan, Celebrity

Hulk Hogan

"The English contribution to world cuisine - the chip"

John Cleese, Actor

"Shirley! Don't call me Shirley!"

Leslie Nielsen, Actor

"How can I be in two places at once, unless I were a bird?"

Boyle Roche, Politician

Boyle Roche

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