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Humor & Wit
Witty One-Liners (page 2)
Humor & Wit: Witty One-Liners Quotes
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"Against stupidity the very gods themselves contend in vain"
Friedrich Schiller, Dramatist
"I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order"
Eric Morecambe, Comedian
"If I ever completely lost my nervousness, I would be frightened half to death"
Paul Lynde, Comedian
"Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry always gets the best of the argument"
Voltaire, Writer
"Story in a game is like a story in a porn movie. It's expected to be there, but it's not that important"
John Carmack, Scientist
"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn"
Fulton J. Sheen, Clergyman
"Forget the past - the future will give you plenty to worry about"
George Allen, Sr., Coach
"Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives"
Oscar Wilde, Dramatist
"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age"
Robert Frost, Poet
"It is double pleasure to deceive the deceiver"
Niccolo Machiavelli, Writer
"Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid"
John Wayne, Actor
"If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand"
Milton Friedman, Economist
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter"
Andy Rooney, Journalist
"A consultant is someone who saves his client almost enough to pay his fee"
Arnold H. Glasow, Businessman
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays"
Douglas Adams, Writer
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by"
Douglas Adams, Writer
"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"Get off your horse and drink your milk"
John Wayne, Actor
"You may all go to Hell, and I will go to Texas"
Davy Crockett, Explorer
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move"
Douglas Adams, Writer
"When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"When Alexander of Macedon was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. Eric Bristow is only 27"
Sid Waddell, Entertainer
"Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair"
Sam Ewing, Author
"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter"
Mark Twain, Author
"He was a wise man who invented beer"
Plato, Philosopher
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead armadillos"
Jim Hightower, Activist
"All generalizations are false, including this one"
Mark Twain, Author
"I don't like that man. I must get to know him better"
Abraham Lincoln, President
"Mr. Attlee is a very modest man. Indeed, he has a lot to be modest about"
Winston Churchill, Statesman
"As much as I'd like to meet the tooth fairy on an evening walk, I don't really believe it can happen"
Chris Van Allsburg, Author
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else"
Woody Allen, Director
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind"
Humphrey Bogart, Actor
"A fox is a wolf who sends flowers"
Ruth Brown, Musician
"The Holy Roman Empire is neither Holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire"
Voltaire, Writer
"People think of the inventor as a screwball, but no one ever asks the inventor what he thinks of other people"
Charles F. Kettering, Inventor
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