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Humor & Wit
Witty One-Liners (page 4)
Humor & Wit: Witty One-Liners Quotes
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"It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics"
Fletcher Knebel, Author
"What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea"
Mahatma Gandhi, Leader
"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job"
Douglas Adams, Writer
"Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it"
Pope John Paul II, Clergyman
"Byrne's Law: In any electrical circuit, appliances and wiring will burn out to protect fuses"
Robert Byrne, Celebrity
"Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men"
Kin Hubbard, Journalist
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart"
E. E. Cummings, Poet
"Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"You're only young once, but you can be immature forever"
Germaine Greer, Activist
"The older I get, the better I used to be!"
Lee Trevino, Athlete
"Never look at the trombones. You'll only encourage them"
Richard Strauss, Composer
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak"
Alan Dundes, Educator
"A conservative is a liberal who got mugged the night before"
Frank Rizzo, Politician
"A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country"
Texas Guinan, Businessman
"A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?"
Albert Einstein, Physicist
"Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy"
H. L. Mencken, Writer
"I intend to live forever, or die trying"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"My name is Linus, and I am your God"
Linus Torvalds, Businessman
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"Superstition is foolish, childish, primitive and irrational - but how much does it cost you to knock on wood?"
Judith Viorst, Author
"The intelligence of the creature known as a crowd is the square root of the number of people in it"
Terry Pratchett, Author
"Never underestimate the power of human stupidity"
Robert A. Heinlein, Writer
"Thousands have lived without love, not one without water"
W. H. Auden, Poet
"Whatever starts in California, unfortunately, has an inclination to spread"
Jimmy Carter, President
"If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle"
Rita Mae Brown, Writer
"Oscar Wilde: 'Do you mind if I smoke?' Sarah Bernhardt: 'I don't care if you burn.'"
Sarah Bernhardt, Actress
"Somebody once said I had a face for radio and a voice for newspapers"
Jerry Springer, Celebrity
"Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror"
Pappy Boyington, Soldier
"As men get older, the toys get more expensive"
Marvin Davis, Businessman
"Satire is what closes on Saturday night"
George S. Kaufman, Dramatist
"This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last"
Oscar Wilde, Dramatist
"Everything popular is wrong"
Oscar Wilde, Dramatist
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung"
Voltaire, Writer
"It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech"
Mark Twain, Author
"If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later"
Mark Twain, Author
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"If Microsoft ever does applications for Linux, it means I've won"
Linus Torvalds, Businessman
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