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Humor & Wit
Witty One-Liners (page 5)
Humor & Wit: Witty One-Liners Quotes
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Dark Humor
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"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"Jerry Ford is so dumb he can't fart and chew gum at the same time"
Lyndon B. Johnson, President
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"If I decide to be indecisive, that's my decision"
Roger McGough, Poet
"You can't make a souffle rise twice"
Alice Roosevelt Longworth, Author
"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus"
Sid Waddell, Entertainer
"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger"
J. R. R. Tolkien, Novelist
"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy"
Fred Allen, Comedian
"The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment"
Warren G. Bennis, Psychologist
"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason"
Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian
"People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it"
Noel Coward, Playwright
"Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it"
Russell Baker, Journalist
"If your experiment needs statistics, you ought to have done a better experiment"
Ernest Rutherford, Psychologist
"If I couldn't laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn't laugh we just would go insane, If we weren't all crazy we would go insane"
Jimmy Buffett, Musician
"Swallow a toad in the morning, and you will encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day"
Nicolas Chamfort, Writer
"I tried marijuana once. I did not inhale"
William J. Clinton, President
"When I get sad, I stop being sad and be AWESOME instead. True story!"
Barney Stinson, Actor
"Nothing exceeds like excess"
Al Jourgensen, Musician
"Treason doth never prosper, what's the reason? For if it prosper, none dare call it treason"
John Harington, Writer
"Wit is the epitaph of an emotion"
Friedrich Nietzsche, Philosopher
"He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead"
Voltaire, Writer
"Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often"
Mark Twain, Author
"The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven"
Mark Twain, Author
"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow"
Mark Twain, Author
"Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax"
Charles F. Kettering, Inventor
"In America we can say what we think, and even if we can't think, we can say it anyhow"
Charles F. Kettering, Inventor
"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month"
Theodore Roosevelt, President
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers"
Pablo Picasso, Artist
"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity"
Benjamin Disraeli, Statesman
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious"
Peter Ustinov, Actor
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts"
William S. Burroughs, Writer
"To err is human, but to really foul up requires a computer"
Dan Rather, Journalist
"Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact"
George Eliot, Author
"I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time"
Charles M. Schulz, Cartoonist
"One drink is too many for me, and a thousand not enough"
Brendan Behan, Dramatist
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