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Humor & Wit
Witty One-Liners (page 6)
Humor & Wit: Witty One-Liners Quotes
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"I have never seen a situation so dismal that a policeman couldn't make it worse"
Brendan Behan, Dramatist
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on"
Samuel Goldwyn, Producer
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing"
Emo Philips, Comedian
"If life gives you limes, make margaritas"
Jimmy Buffett, Musician
"A person who knows how to laugh at himself, will never ceased to be amused"
Shirley MacLaine, Actress
"Politics is just show business for ugly people"
Jay Leno, Comedian
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house"
Rod Stewart, Musician
"Dictators are rulers who always look good until the last ten minutes"
Jan Masaryk, Diplomat
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'"
Bob Newhart, Comedian
"Now that the House of Commons is trying to become useful, it does a great deal of harm"
Oscar Wilde, Dramatist
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt"
Mark Twain, Author
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits"
Albert Einstein, Physicist
"I am easily satisfied with the very best"
Winston Churchill, Statesman
"How do you tell a Communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin"
Ronald Reagan, President
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying"
Woody Allen, Director
"When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer "Present" or "Not guilty""
Theodore Roosevelt, President
"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"The best activities for your health are pumping and humping"
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Actor
"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical"
Arthur C. Clarke, Writer
"Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
"Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while"
Kin Hubbard, Journalist
"There's only one word for that - magic darts!"
Sid Waddell, Entertainer
"There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them"
Casey Stengel, Athlete
"Things are never so bad they can't be made worse"
Humphrey Bogart, Actor
"It's a naive domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption"
James Thurber, Comedian
"Poise: the ability to be ill at ease inconspicuously"
Earl Wilson, Athlete
"It only takes a room of Americans for the English and Australians to realise how much we have in common"
Stephen Fry, Comedian
"Normal is nothing more than a cycle on a washing machine"
Whoopi Goldberg, Actress
"Father told me that if I ever met a lady in a dress like yours, I must look her straight in the eyes"
Prince Charles, Royalty
"Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children"
Sam Levenson, Author
"I guess I should warn you, if I turn out to be particularly clear, you've probably misunderstood what I've said"
Alan Greenspan, Economist
"Canada is the essence of not being. Not English, not American, it is the mathematic of not being. And a subtle flavour - we're more like celery as a flavour"
Mike Myers, Comedian
"I can't give you a brain, but I can give you a diploma"
L. Frank Baum, Author
"Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening"
Alexander Woollcott, Critic
"There is no cannibalism in the British navy, absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount"
Graham Chapman, Comedian
"I am the Roman Emperor and am above grammar"
Emperor Sigismund, Statesman
"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards"
Mark Twain, Author
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