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Humor & Wit
Witty One-Liners (page 7)
Humor & Wit: Witty One-Liners Quotes
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"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself"
Mark Twain, Author
"Let us live so that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry"
Mark Twain, Author
"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself"
Ronald Reagan, President
"The only way of catching a train I have ever discovered is to miss the train before"
Gilbert K. Chesterton, Writer
"Funny, I don't feel any more powerful today than yesterday"
Jerry B. Jenkins, Novelist
"Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it"
Robert Frost, Poet
"Any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy"
Dwight D. Eisenhower, President
"Chastity - the most unnatural of all the sexual perversions"
Aldous Huxley, Novelist
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes"
Douglas Adams, Writer
"If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family Anatidae on our hands"
Douglas Adams, Writer
"I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons"
Douglas Adams, Writer
"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair"
Douglas Adams, Writer
"I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure"
Mae West, Actress
"Give me chastity and continence, but not yet"
Saint Augustine, Saint
"I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me"
Warren Buffett, Businessman
"You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret... All the best people are!"
Lewis Carroll, Author
"I wish the word whimsical wasn't used now"
Roger McGough, Poet
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else"
Margaret Mead, Scientist
"A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg"
Samuel Butler, Poet
"I seated ugliness on my knee, and almost immediately grew tired of it"
Salvador Dali, Artist
"I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair"
Bette Davis, Actress
"To make crime unprofitable, let the government run it"
Irene Peter, Writer
"Ignorance is no excuse, it's the real thing"
Irene Peter, Writer
"My mother said it was simple to keep a man: you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I'd hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit"
Jerry Hall, Model
"Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
"Include me out"
Samuel Goldwyn, Producer
"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"Me fail English? That's unpossible"
Matt Groening, Cartoonist
"Humor is just another defense against the universe"
Mel Brooks, Comedian
"The meek shall inherit the Earth, but not its mineral rights"
J. Paul Getty, Businessman
"Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel"
Oscar Levant, Composer
"It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years"
Tom Lehrer, Musician
"America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization"
Georges Clemenceau, Leader
"I've just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that's the record"
Dylan Thomas, Poet
"As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two"
Norman Wisdom, Comedian
"People seem to get weirdly obsessed with my mouth"
Gina Gershon, Actress
"Never believe anything until it has been officially denied"
Claud Cockburn, Journalist
"Anyone who attempts to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of course, living in a state of sin"
John von Neumann, Mathematician
"The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard"
David Gerrold, Writer
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