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Humor & Wit
Witty One-Liners (page 8)
Humor & Wit: Witty One-Liners Quotes
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"The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard"
David Gerrold, Writer
"It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world"
Al Franken, Comedian
"I've got ten pairs of trainers. That's one for every day of the week"
Samantha Fox, Model
"I cannot go to the Opera, because I have forsworn all expense which does not end in pleasing me"
Charles Townshend, Politician
"Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes"
Oscar Wilde, Dramatist
"Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law"
Voltaire, Writer
"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: "O Lord make my enemies ridiculous." And God granted it"
Voltaire, Writer
"We have the best government that money can buy"
Mark Twain, Author
"When ideas fail, words come in very handy"
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe, Writer
"I'm just preparing my impromptu remarks"
Winston Churchill, Statesman
"Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room"
Winston Churchill, Statesman
"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first"
Ronald Reagan, President
"The gods too are fond of a joke"
Aristotle, Philosopher
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
Woody Allen, Director
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"You're in pretty good shape for the shape you are in"
Dr. Seuss, Writer
"The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate"
Douglas Adams, Writer
"It is better to be looked over than overlooked"
Mae West, Actress
""I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"
George Carlin, Comedian
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
George Carlin, Comedian
"We have long passed the Victorian Era when asterisks were followed, after a certain interval, by a baby"
W. Somerset Maugham, Playwright
"Less judgment than wit is more sail than ballast"
William Penn, Leader
"My choice early in life was either to be a piano-player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference"
Harry S. Truman, President
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat"
Lily Tomlin, Actress
"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"
Lily Tomlin, Actress
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific"
Lily Tomlin, Actress
"Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it"
Irene Peter, Writer
"God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die"
Bill Watterson, Cartoonist
"Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer"
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Actor
"Is it progress if a cannibal uses a fork?"
Stanislaw Lec, Poet
"Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined"
Samuel Goldwyn, Producer
"There are two seasons in Scotland: June and winter"
Billy Connolly, Comedian
"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet"
Oliver Herford, Author
"Show me another pleasure like dinner which comes every day and lasts an hour"
Charles Maurice de Talleyrand, Diplomat
"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line"
Oscar Levant, Composer
"All the ills of mankind, all the tragic misfortunes that fill the history books, all the political blunders, all the failures of the great leaders have arisen merely from a lack of skill at dancing"
Moliere, Playwright
"The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest"
Jean de La Bruyère, Philosopher
"All morons hate it when you call them a moron"
J.D. Salinger, Novelist
"Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
A. A. Milne, Author
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