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Humor & Wit
Witty One-Liners (page 9)
Humor & Wit: Witty One-Liners Quotes
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Dark Humor
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Sarcastic
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"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants"
A. Whitney Brown, Comedian
"The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat"
Ogden Nash, Poet
"I'm an instant star. Just add water and stir"
David Bowie, Musician
"It's not enough to have talent, you also have to be Hungarian"
Robert Capa, Photographer
"When it's three o'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London"
Bette Midler, Actress
"Lawyers, I suppose, were children once"
Charles Lamb, Critic
"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it"
Mary Wilson Little, Writer
"Another fine mess you've gotten me into"
Stan Laurel, Actor
"A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings"
Earl Wilson, Athlete
"They were without clothes before I got there, and they were without clothes when I left"
Jock Sturges, Photographer
"He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food"
Raymond Chandler, Writer
"The doctors x-rayed my head and found nothing"
Dizzy Dean, Athlete
"Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself"
Bjørnstjerne Bjørnson, Poet
"Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend"
Lucy Liu, Actress
"Cured yesterday of my disease, I died last night of my physician"
Matthew Prior, Poet
"And 'tis remarkable that they talk most who have the least to say"
Matthew Prior, Poet
"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world"
Wilhelm II, Statesman
"It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye, then it's just fun you can't see"
James Hetfield, Musician
"Well, being as there's no other place around the place, I reckon this must be the place, I reckon"
Curly Howard, Actor
"An actor is something less than a man, while an actress is something more than a woman"
Richard Burton, Actor
"I don't know, I never smoked AstroTurf"
Tug McGraw, Athlete
"The politician's promises of yesterday are the taxes of today"
Mackenzie King, Statesman
"I find that the three major administrative problems on a campus are sex for the students, athletics for the alumni and parking for the faculty"
Clark Kerr, Economist
"He has a profound respect for old age, especially when it's bottled"
Gene Fowler, Journalist
"I met Clinton at a benefit for teachers, which was a very good charity, but I met him for about 90 seconds, and I thought it was important to meet the leader of the free world. So I stood next to him for a photograph, and then apparently that's all it takes"
Julie Bowen, Actress
"When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, wretched, bored, dejected; only here's the rub, my darling dear, I feel the same when you're near"
Samuel Hoffenstein, Writer
"I don't smoke, so they never sent me a copy"
Lita Ford, Musician
"If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism. If you steal from two, it's research"
John Burke, Lawyer
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph"
Shirley Temple, Actress
"The only way I can lose is if I'm caught in bed with either a dead girl or a live boy"
Edwin Edwards, Politician
"In America, the young are always ready to give to those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience"
Oscar Wilde, Dramatist
"I can resist everything except temptation"
Oscar Wilde, Dramatist
"Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed"
Mark Twain, Author
"Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire"
George Bernard Shaw, Dramatist
"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul"
George Bernard Shaw, Dramatist
"England is a nation of shopkeepers"
Napoleon Bonaparte, Leader
"Historian: an unsuccessful novelist"
H. L. Mencken, Writer
"Politics is just like show business. You have a hell of an opening, coast for a while, and then have a hell of a close"
Ronald Reagan, President
"Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other"
Ronald Reagan, President
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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