Famous quotes by Comedians

Comedians

Explore the sharp wit and everyday wisdom of comedians, whose craft turns observation into laughter and reflection. These voices span eras, styles, and stages, revealing how humor can challenge norms, lighten heavy moments, and connect us through shared experience. From quick one-liners to thoughtful storytelling, their words capture both the absurdity and tenderness of being human. Whether you're seeking a chuckle, a spark of perspective, or a reminder to not take life too seriously, let these comedic insights offer a fresh, spirited companion to your day.

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls"

George Carlin, Comedian

Small: George Carlin

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull"

W. C. Fields, Comedian

Small: W. C. Fields

"The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have"

Ring Lardner, Comedian

"Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream"

W. C. Fields, Comedian

Small: W. C. Fields

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it"

Bob Hope, Comedian

Small: Bob Hope

"I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability"

Ron White, Comedian

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps"

Emo Philips, Comedian

Small: Emo Philips

"Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be"

Joan Rivers, Comedian

Small: Joan Rivers

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age"

Groucho Marx, Comedian

Small: Groucho Marx

"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too"

Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

Small: Mitch Hedberg

"I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order"

Eric Morecambe, Comedian

Small: Eric Morecambe

"Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on"

Billy Connolly, Comedian

Small: Billy Connolly

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member"

Groucho Marx, Comedian

Small: Groucho Marx

"If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food"

W. C. Fields, Comedian

Small: W. C. Fields

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it"

Robin Williams, Comedian

Small: Robin Williams

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time"

Robin Williams, Comedian

Small: Robin Williams

"Violence is a tool of the ignorant"

Flip Wilson, Comedian

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die"

Mel Brooks, Comedian

"The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down"

A. Whitney Brown, Comedian

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things"

George Carlin, Comedian

Small: George Carlin

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs"

Robin Williams, Comedian

Small: Robin Williams

"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy"

Fred Allen, Comedian

"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you"

Steven Wright, Comedian

Small: Steven Wright

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

Small: Bill Cosby

"I intend to live forever, or die trying"

Groucho Marx, Comedian

Small: Groucho Marx

"When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano"

Bob Hope, Comedian

Small: Bob Hope

"Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

Small: Bill Cosby

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there"

Josh Billings, Comedian

Small: Josh Billings

"Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

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