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Comedians (page 10)
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"I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row'"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"When you're born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat"
George Carlin, Comedian
"When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent"
George Carlin, Comedian
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
George Carlin, Comedian
"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
George Carlin, Comedian
"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done"
George Carlin, Comedian
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten"
George Carlin, Comedian
"She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction?"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued!"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"I have too much money invested in sweaters"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful!"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom"
Bob Hope, Comedian
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