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Comedians (page 11)
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"A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"You've got to be rich to have a swing like that"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"I like children - fried"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
"I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
"There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it, as the old woman did her lost spectacles, safe on her own nose all the time"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"The trouble with people is not that they don't know, but that they know so much that ain't so"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"Man was created a little lower than the angels and has been getting a little lower ever since"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
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