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Comedians (page 12)
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"I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
"When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get?"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a sling shot"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts, he does not hide; he exposes himself"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger"
Billy Connolly, Comedian
"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit"
Billy Connolly, Comedian
"I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days"
Billy Connolly, Comedian
"I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far"
Billy Connolly, Comedian
"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks"
Emo Philips, Comedian
"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him"
Emo Philips, Comedian
"Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive, you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive"
Mel Brooks, Comedian
"A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done"
Fred Allen, Comedian
"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV"
Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry"
Rita Rudner, Comedian
"The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!"
Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian
"The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun"
Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian
"The next time you have a thought... Let it go"
Ron White, Comedian
"Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!"
Ron White, Comedian
"It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy"
Lucille Ball, Comedian
"If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it. The more things you do, the more you can do"
Lucille Ball, Comedian
"You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made"
George Burns, Comedian
"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something"
George Burns, Comedian
"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth"
George Burns, Comedian
"We had not had time to establish ourselves as a double act before Ernie joined the Merchant Navy. I teamed up with the brother of the late Dave Morris"
Eric Morecambe, Comedian
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