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Comedians (page 13)
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"Love is the strange bewilderment that overtakes one person on account of another person"
James Thurber, Comedian
"All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from and to and why"
James Thurber, Comedian
"There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that"
Steve Martin, Comedian
"Talking about music is like dancing about architecture"
Steve Martin, Comedian
"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper"
Steve Martin, Comedian
"Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is"
Steve Martin, Comedian
"I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy"
Tim Vine, Comedian
"People ask 'Do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - If you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway"
Tim Vine, Comedian
"Now, you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds"
Tim Vine, Comedian
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again"
Tim Vine, Comedian
"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, 'cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries'"
Demetri Martin, Comedian
"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other"
Robert Benchley, Comedian
"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing"
Robert Benchley, Comedian
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down"
Robert Benchley, Comedian
"I'm a one-man idiot"
Eddie Izzard, Comedian
"Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye"
Bill Hicks, Comedian
"I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band"
Bill Hicks, Comedian
"Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children"
Bill Hicks, Comedian
"Having been an actor and a writer for so long - 20 years or so - I felt that it would be daft to go to one's grave without having directed. It's a natural extension of writing and acting, and so I knew it would happen one day"
Stephen Fry, Comedian
"Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient"
Milton Berle, Comedian
"Laughter is an instant vacation"
Milton Berle, Comedian
"I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting"
Milton Berle, Comedian
"I shouldn't be saying this - high treason, really - but I sometimes wonder if Americans aren't fooled by our accent into detecting brilliance that may not really be there"
Stephen Fry, Comedian
"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'"
Jay Leno, Comedian
"Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!"
Jay Leno, Comedian
"Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to"
Chris Rock, Comedian
"A man is only as faithful as his options"
Chris Rock, Comedian
"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place"
Johnny Carson, Comedian
"Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die"
Johnny Carson, Comedian
"The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb"
Benny Hill, Comedian
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