Famous quotes by Comedians

"You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead"

Garry Shandling, Comedian

"We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities"

Bill Maher, Comedian

"I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"

Jeff Foxworthy, Comedian

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark"

Dick Gregory, Comedian

"When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy, the Captain goes down with the ship"

Dick Gregory, Comedian

"Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others"

Ellen DeGeneres, Comedian

"Nothing says holidays like a cheese log"

Ellen DeGeneres, Comedian

"The joke newspaper, it says Canada abandons the monarchy"

Mark McKinney, Comedian

"Yeah, that came out of a reading. It was great. It's such a fun crew to be with, and we all went out the night before and that really encouraged us to go out and get drunk"

John Leguizamo, Comedian

"I have stayed true to that first idea that people can have a day in their lives that is very important and if they can reconnect with that day, reconnect with the people they were then, they can suddenly revive their emotions"

Victoria Wood, Comedian

"In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls"

Lenny Bruce, Comedian

"Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas"

Paula Poundstone, Comedian

"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me"

Elayne Boosler, Comedian

"Sometimes when we are generous in small, barely detectable ways, it can change someone else's life forever"

Margaret Cho, Comedian

"When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking"

Elayne Boosler, Comedian

"I run six-to-eight miles a day, plus weights and aerobics in the lunch hour. I also lie a lot, which keeps me thin"

Hugh Laurie, Comedian

"Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?"

Alan King, Comedian

"The thing that bums me out about 'The Real World' is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid"

Kathy Griffin, Comedian

"Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn't even have when you were on your own"

Eddie Cantor, Comedian

"The reason we're so dangerous is because we're totally harmless"

Cheech Marin, Comedian

"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth"

Janeane Garofalo, Comedian

"Money can't buy poverty"

Marty Feldman, Comedian

"Greetings and death to our enemies"

Dan Aykroyd, Comedian

"The definition of an intellectual is someone who has been educated beyond his or her intelligence"

Richard Belzer, Comedian

"Children are far more interesting to work with than grownups. They're incredibly honest. They'll tell you exactly what they think"

Tim Sample, Comedian

"I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk"

Craig Ferguson, Comedian

"Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them"

George Lopez, Comedian

"I thought to myself, Join the army. It's free. So I figured while I'm here I'll lose a few pounds"

John Candy, Comedian

"Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done"

Ernie Kovacs, Comedian

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