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Comedians (page 15)
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"I don't know nothing about no marriages or nothing. I ain't even never been to a wedding"
Mike Epps, Comedian
"It's weird, I never wish anything bad upon anybody, except two or three old girlfriends"
Carrot Top, Comedian
"Someone I've always admired is Catherine O'Hara... I think she's one of the best actresses in the country, not only comedy. I just think she's just a step aside from everybody, she's just wonderful"
Fred Willard, Comedian
"In France, everyone speaks French 'cause they think it's cool. Gives 'em, gives 'em an excuse to smoke"
Scott Thompson, Comedian
"I was in the Air Force and was a boom operator (in-flight refueling). I got my comedy start in the Air Force"
Sinbad, Comedian
"A woman can laugh and cry in three seconds and it's not weird. But if a man does it, it's very disturbing. The way I'd describe it is like this: I have been allowed inside the house of womanhood, but I feel that they wouldn't let me in any of the interesting rooms"
Rob Schneider, Comedian
"What goes for sex goes double for politics"
Kate Clinton, Comedian
"Frank Sinatra taught me how to do him. It took me seven years to master him. He would tell me, tap your foot, Rich, and don't forget to grasp your sleeve"
Rich Little, Comedian
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Before I speak, I have something important to say"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"A woman is an occasional pleasure, but a cigar is always a smoke"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8 to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast and stick it out the window"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I busted a mirror and got seven years' bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"On the other hand, you have different fingers"
Steven Wright, Comedian
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