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Comedians (page 17)
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"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens, and I got sick of not caring"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
"Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
"There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
"I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
"The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"There are two kinds of fools: those who can't change their opinions and those who won't"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"There is nothing so easy to learn as experience, and nothing so hard to apply"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"There's a lot of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"No one can disgrace us but ourselves"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"I'm a hero with coward's legs"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
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