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Comedians (page 18)
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"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
"Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"Some dog I got, too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards"
Billy Connolly, Comedian
"If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?"
Billy Connolly, Comedian
"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives"
Billy Connolly, Comedian
"You look like a talent scout for a cemetery"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"These men both publicly and privately have done so much for me. Without Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick, I would be living in a little motel just around the corner here, trying to make ends meet"
Mel Brooks, Comedian
"If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively"
Mel Brooks, Comedian
"Everything we do in life is based on fear, especially love"
Mel Brooks, Comedian
"The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion"
Fred Allen, Comedian
"Television is a medium because anything well done is rare"
Fred Allen, Comedian
"The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi"
Fred Allen, Comedian
"I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap"
Fred Allen, Comedian
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt"
Fred Allen, Comedian
"A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary"
Fred Allen, Comedian
"I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars"
Fred Allen, Comedian
"California is a great place to live if you're an orange"
Fred Allen, Comedian
"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done"
Fred Allen, Comedian
"Our dog died from licking our wedding picture"
Phyllis Diller, Comedian
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