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Comedians (page 19)
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"I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard"
Phyllis Diller, Comedian
"Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room"
Phyllis Diller, Comedian
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home"
Phyllis Diller, Comedian
"Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off"
Phyllis Diller, Comedian
"A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once"
Phyllis Diller, Comedian
"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine"
Rita Rudner, Comedian
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end"
Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash"
Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight"
Rita Rudner, Comedian
"Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry"
Rita Rudner, Comedian
"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet"
Rita Rudner, Comedian
"My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping"
Rita Rudner, Comedian
"Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'"
Rita Rudner, Comedian
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper"
Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian
"I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em"
Ron White, Comedian
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age"
Lucille Ball, Comedian
"Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead"
Lucille Ball, Comedian
"I'm not funny. What I am is brave"
Lucille Ball, Comedian
"I'm happy that I have brought laughter because I have been shown by many the value of it in so many lives, in so many ways"
Lucille Ball, Comedian
"I am a real ham. I love an audience. I work better with an audience. I am dead, in fact, without one"
Lucille Ball, Comedian
"Ability is of little account without opportunity"
Lucille Ball, Comedian
"I am as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest"
A. Whitney Brown, Comedian
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait"
A. Whitney Brown, Comedian
"A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer"
A. Whitney Brown, Comedian
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible"
George Burns, Comedian
"When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick"
George Burns, Comedian
"I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age"
George Burns, Comedian
"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed"
George Burns, Comedian
"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made"
George Burns, Comedian
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope"
George Burns, Comedian
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