Famous quotes by Comedians

"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him, of course, he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden"

Eric Morecambe, Comedian

"Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility"

James Thurber, Comedian

"Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost"

James Thurber, Comedian

"The past is an old armchair in the attic, the present an ominous ticking sound, and the future is anybody's guess"

James Thurber, Comedian

"The dog has seldom been successful in pulling man up to its level of sagacity, but man has frequently dragged the dog down to his"

James Thurber, Comedian

"Laughter need not be cut out of anything, since it improves everything"

James Thurber, Comedian

"Love is what you've been through with somebody"

James Thurber, Comedian

"Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?"

James Thurber, Comedian

"Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy, and dead"

James Thurber, Comedian

"There are two kinds of light - the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures"

James Thurber, Comedian

"When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well"

Steve Martin, Comedian

"I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art, you're an idiot"

Steve Martin, Comedian

"Velcro: what a rip-off"

Tim Vine, Comedian

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

Tim Vine, Comedian

"A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry"

Robert Benchley, Comedian

"I owe it all to little chocolate donuts"

John Belushi, Comedian

"An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens"

Robert Benchley, Comedian

"Behind every argument is someone's ignorance"

Robert Benchley, Comedian

"The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps"

Robert Benchley, Comedian

"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from"

Eddie Izzard, Comedian

"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less"

Eddie Izzard, Comedian

"Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others"

Eddie Izzard, Comedian

"We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free"

Bill Hicks, Comedian

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