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Comedians (page 21)
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"We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free"
Bill Hicks, Comedian
"Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves"
Bill Hicks, Comedian
"It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious"
Bill Hicks, Comedian
"If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries"
Bill Hicks, Comedian
"If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CDs and burn them"
Bill Hicks, Comedian
"Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you"
Bill Hicks, Comedian
"Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to"
Bill Hicks, Comedian
"I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day"
Bill Hicks, Comedian
"You can't reason yourself back into cheerfulness any more than you can reason yourself into an extra six inches in height"
Stephen Fry, Comedian
"I don't watch television, I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself"
Stephen Fry, Comedian
"We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight"
Milton Berle, Comedian
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me"
Stephen Fry, Comedian
"If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates"
Jay Leno, Comedian
"You know what they should call this war - Son of Bush vs. Son of a Bitch"
Jay Leno, Comedian
"Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes"
Chris Rock, Comedian
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments"
Chris Rock, Comedian
"I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity"
Chris Rock, Comedian
"Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else"
Chris Rock, Comedian
"A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House"
Chris Rock, Comedian
"At my age, the radiation will probably do me good"
Norman Wisdom, Comedian
"The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down"
Flip Wilson, Comedian
"When you're hot, you're hot; when you're not, you're not"
Flip Wilson, Comedian
"Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out"
Flip Wilson, Comedian
"The devil made me do it"
Flip Wilson, Comedian
"I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive"
Johnny Carson, Comedian
"Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did"
Jimmy Durante, Comedian
"If I'd known how old I was going to be, I'd have taken better care of myself"
Jimmy Durante, Comedian
"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam"
Johnny Carson, Comedian
"When turkeys mate, they think of swans"
Johnny Carson, Comedian
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead"
Johnny Carson, Comedian
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