Famous quotes by Comedians

"Not so much in Canada, but certainly in the US, as I'm sure you know, money is all, and if they can get another 26 programs of the same thing even though it advances the culture or those actors' careers not at all, it doesn't matter"

Rowan Atkinson, Comedian

"No, no, I was only funny on stage, really. I, I, think I was funny as a person toward my classmates when I was very young. You know, when I was a child, up to about the age of 12"

Rowan Atkinson, Comedian

"I feel as though the camera is almost a kind of voyeur in Mr. Bean's life, and you just watch this bizarre man going about his life in the way that he wants to"

Rowan Atkinson, Comedian

"I always wake up at the crack of ice"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"It pays to get drunk with the best people"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger"

David Letterman, Comedian

"I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders"

Garry Shandling, Comedian

"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting"

David Letterman, Comedian

"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees"

David Letterman, Comedian

"For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home"

David Letterman, Comedian

"And I think that being able to make people laugh and write a book that's funny makes the information go down a lot easier and it makes it a lot more fun to read, easier to understand, and often stronger. So there's all kinds of advantages to it"

Al Franken, Comedian

"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'You know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'"

Jeff Foxworthy, Comedian

"Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious"

Bill Maher, Comedian

"I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again"

Bill Maher, Comedian

"I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?"

Bill Maher, Comedian

"I know God is real"

Jeff Foxworthy, Comedian

"You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it"

Jeff Foxworthy, Comedian

"My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family"

Jeff Foxworthy, Comedian

"If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck"

Jeff Foxworthy, Comedian

"If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck"

Jeff Foxworthy, Comedian

"If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins"

Patton Oswalt, Comedian

"If it wasn't for Abe Lincoln, I'd still be on the open market"

Dick Gregory, Comedian

"Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned"

Dick Gregory, Comedian

"It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now"

Patton Oswalt, Comedian

"Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten"

Dick Gregory, Comedian

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is"

Ellen DeGeneres, Comedian

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'"

Tommy Cooper, Comedian

"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant"

Ellen DeGeneres, Comedian

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