Famous quotes by Comedians

"That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50"

Dana Carvey, Comedian

"People are still willing to do an honest day's work. The trouble is they want a week's pay for it"

Joey Adams, Comedian

"Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off"

Tommy Cooper, Comedian

"Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone"

Tommy Cooper, Comedian

"All my children inherited perfect pitch"

Chevy Chase, Comedian

"Music is an element that should be part and parcel of every child's life via the education system"

Victoria Wood, Comedian

"All my friends started getting boyfriends, but I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro"

Victoria Wood, Comedian

"Radio killed variety and TV killed radio, and the internet will kill television and it will go on and on"

Victoria Wood, Comedian

"I'll die young, but it's like kissing God"

Lenny Bruce, Comedian

"A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know"

Lenny Bruce, Comedian

"The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them"

Lenny Bruce, Comedian

"My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never"

Jack Benny, Comedian

"Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on"

Dennis Miller, Comedian

"I rant, therefore I am"

Dennis Miller, Comedian

"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R"

Dennis Miller, Comedian

"Washington, D.C., is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese"

Dennis Miller, Comedian

"The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country"

Dennis Miller, Comedian

"Ugly is irrelevant. It is an immeasurable insult to a woman, and then supposedly the worst crime you can commit as a woman. But ugly, as beautiful, is an illusion"

Margaret Cho, Comedian

"Over the years I attempted to make my style a bit more relaxed 'cause the initial style you couldn't watch for more than ten minutes without wanting to kill me"

Jo Brand, Comedian

"I have learned to love that which is meant to harm me, so that I can stand in the way of those who are less strong. I can take the bullets for those who aren't able to"

Margaret Cho, Comedian

"Republicans have nothing but bad ideas, and Democrats have no ideas"

Lewis Black, Comedian

"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name"

Paula Poundstone, Comedian

"The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer"

Paula Poundstone, Comedian

"I'll tell you the truth; I wanted to leave me for Sid Caesar"

Red Buttons, Comedian

"One of the principal goals in my life has been to avoid embarrassing my children by doing the job I do. I hope I've managed to do that, and I hope that, with the job I'm in now, they are, if not proud, at least unembarrassed by it. I must say, my three are most agreeable children, who do nothing but delight me"

Hugh Laurie, Comedian

"I'm finding it increasingly difficult to simply walk down the street. In New York, I dashed in to buy a big pair of sunglasses to conceal myself, but the guy behind the counter shouted 'Hey! It's Dr. House.'"

Hugh Laurie, Comedian

"You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet"

Alan King, Comedian

"If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books"

Alan King, Comedian

"If I wanted your opinion, I'd slap it outta ya"

Paul O'Grady, Comedian

"I was part of the draft resistance movement in LA, where we did demonstrations at the draft centre, and burned our cards, and made a lot of trouble on campus"

Cheech Marin, Comedian

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