Famous quotes by Comedians

"I always wake up at the crack of ice"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"It pays to get drunk with the best people"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"Do unto others, then run"

Benny Hill, Comedian

"Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger"

David Letterman, Comedian

David Letterman

"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting"

David Letterman, Comedian

David Letterman

"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees"

David Letterman, Comedian

David Letterman

"For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home"

David Letterman, Comedian

David Letterman

"Republicans have nothing but bad ideas, and Democrats have no ideas"

Lewis Black, Comedian

"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'You know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'"

Jeff Foxworthy, Comedian

Jeff Foxworthy

"If men have a smell, it's usually an accident"

Jeff Foxworthy, Comedian

Jeff Foxworthy

"And I think that being able to make people laugh and write a book that's funny makes the information go down a lot easier and it makes it a lot more fun to read, easier to understand, and often stronger. So there's all kinds of advantages to it"

Al Franken, Comedian

"I know God is real"

Jeff Foxworthy, Comedian

Jeff Foxworthy

"You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it"

Jeff Foxworthy, Comedian

Jeff Foxworthy

"My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family"

Jeff Foxworthy, Comedian

Jeff Foxworthy

"If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck"

Jeff Foxworthy, Comedian

Jeff Foxworthy

"If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck"

Jeff Foxworthy, Comedian

Jeff Foxworthy

"Am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club? Turtle! Turtle!"

Dana Carvey, Comedian

Dana Carvey

"If it wasn't for Abe Lincoln, I'd still be on the open market"

Dick Gregory, Comedian

"Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned"

Dick Gregory, Comedian

"If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses"

Lenny Bruce, Comedian

"That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50"

Dana Carvey, Comedian

Dana Carvey

"If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone"

Lenny Bruce, Comedian

"I'll die young, but it's like kissing God"

Lenny Bruce, Comedian

"A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know"

Lenny Bruce, Comedian

"The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them"

Lenny Bruce, Comedian

"Last good pratfall I did, I broke bones in both hands. I still feel it when people shake my hand"

Chevy Chase, Comedian

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