Famous quotes by Comedians

Trevor Noah, Comedian

"When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic"

Jane Wagner, Comedian

"Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical"

Dylan Moran, Comedian

"Last year, people won more than one billion dollars playing poker. And casinos made twenty-seven billion just by being around those people"

Samantha Bee, Comedian

"Carrot Top... I gave him advice once and he ran with it. He should thank me"

Rip Taylor, Comedian

"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks"

Totie Fields, Comedian

"Dire Straits is a great band. Someone tells you they like "Brothers in Arms" and immediately you know they're a stupid annoying git"

Alexei Sayle, Comedian

"Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list"

Yakov Smirnoff, Comedian

"A woman doing comedy doesn't offend me, but sets me back a bit. I, as a viewer, have trouble with it. I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies in the world"

Jerry Lewis, Comedian

"It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks"

Joe Rogan, Comedian

"The world is infinitely more complex than it appeared to me 15 years ago"

Andrew Denton, Comedian

"Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school, I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years"

Gracie Allen, Comedian

"I was the same kind of father as I was a harpist - I played by ear"

Harpo Marx, Comedian

"I've told so many lies about my age, I don't know how old I am myself"

Ruby Wax, Comedian

"But I majored in Drama, modified with Psychology"

Rachel Dratch, Comedian

"Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops', but you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!"

Dave Attell, Comedian

"You become so encapsulated in this world of being a star. People listen to what you say, you have this voice, it becomes unreal and you become far removed from the people you came from"

Tracey Ullman, Comedian

"I'm always willing to endure humiliation on behalf of my characters"

Ben Stiller, Comedian

"I've always dreamed of growing up to be Amy Poehler"

Amy Poehler, Comedian

"I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time"

Will Ferrell, Comedian

"I'm a schizophrenic mix of wannabe glamourpuss and absolute slob, and my style is very much magistrate-meets-barmaid"

Jenny Eclair, Comedian

"But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough"

Sarah Silverman, Comedian

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision"

Lynn Lavner, Comedian

"Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?"

Frank Carson, Comedian

"In Hollywood, moviemaking used to be about escaping reality to go to the movies"

Chris Kattan, Comedian

"A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss"

Tina Fey, Comedian

"The best thing about me is there are no skeletons"

David Cross, Comedian

"I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more"

Dane Cook, Comedian

"Everyone is treating it like a Hollywood story. In Madison, it's a neighborhood story"

Chris Farley, Comedian

"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner"

Red Skelton, Comedian

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