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Comedians (page 26)
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"The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Why, a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"When I was a little kid, we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I bought some instant water one time, but I didn't know what to add to it"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"How young can you die of old age?"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"Hermits have no peer pressure"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
Steven Wright, Comedian
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