Famous quotes by Comedians

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing!"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen?"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"So, do you live around here often?"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"I invented the cordless extension cord"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it!"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night?"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"At one point, he decided enough was enough"

Steven Wright, Comedian

"Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did"

George Carlin, Comedian

"One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like"

George Carlin, Comedian

"Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another"

George Carlin, Comedian

"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think"

George Carlin, Comedian

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it"

George Carlin, Comedian

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam"

George Carlin, Comedian

"I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work"

George Carlin, Comedian

"I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease, where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories"

George Carlin, Comedian

"I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away"

George Carlin, Comedian

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck"

George Carlin, Comedian

"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established"

George Carlin, Comedian

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