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Comedians (page 28)
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"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time"
George Carlin, Comedian
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom"
George Carlin, Comedian
"When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"
George Carlin, Comedian
"Think off-center"
George Carlin, Comedian
"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past"
George Carlin, Comedian
"The status quo sucks!"
George Carlin, Comedian
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired, and get paid just enough money not to quit"
George Carlin, Comedian
"In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first"
George Carlin, Comedian
"If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him"
George Carlin, Comedian
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little"
George Carlin, Comedian
"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect"
George Carlin, Comedian
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death"
George Carlin, Comedian
"Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"A woman drove me to drink, and I didn't even have the decency to thank her"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"Set up another case, bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"I never vote for anyone. I always vote against!"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
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