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Comedians (page 29)
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"I never met a kid I liked"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal Family knew someone in the Royal Family?"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"When in doubt, go for the dick joke"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"If it's the Psychic Network, why do they need a phone number?"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"Comedy is acting out optimism"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"It's weird... People say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"If I had nine of my fingers missing, I wouldn't type any slower"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
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