Famous quotes by Comedians

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle"

Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle"

Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once"

Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

"I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle"

Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

"Fettucini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults"

Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"

Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"

Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

"Dogs are forever in the push up postion"

Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

"Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen!"

Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me"

Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

"A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap"

Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

"Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

"People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

"The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it!"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

"You know, the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

"When you become senile, you won't know it"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

"There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

"Old is always fifteen years from now"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

"Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

"Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

"No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

"My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

"Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

"If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

"I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

"I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

"Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

"Gray hair is God's graffiti"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

"Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

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