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Comedians (page 32)
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"If there was no faith there would be no living in this world. We could not even eat hash with any safety"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"There is no greater evidence of superior intelligence than to be surprised at nothing"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"Most people repent their sins by thanking God, they ain't so wicked as their neighbors"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"It's not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"It is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"About the only difference between the poor and the rich, is this, the poor suffer misery, while the rich have to enjoy it"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed, thanks to television"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in World War Eleven"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"Never floss with a stranger"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth, he forgot to cut the cord. For a year, that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up who?"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
"It's all in the mind, you know"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
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