Famous quotes by Comedians

"I'm not afraid of dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens"

Spike Milligan, Comedian

"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it"

Spike Milligan, Comedian

"I can speak Esperanto like a native"

Spike Milligan, Comedian

"And God said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected"

Spike Milligan, Comedian

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree"

Spike Milligan, Comedian

"My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"With my wife, I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee, and he told me about the butcher and my wife"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"This morning, when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys laughing at me"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"The way my luck is running, if I was a politician, I would be honest"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was?"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"My wife was afraid of the dark... Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"Men who do things without being told draw the most wages"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof!"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face!"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

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