Famous quotes by Comedians

"I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician, I would be honest!"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, it had an olive in it"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

"The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know"

Billy Connolly, Comedian

"My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo"

Billy Connolly, Comedian

"It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things"

Billy Connolly, Comedian

"I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little"

Billy Connolly, Comedian

"I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be!"

Billy Connolly, Comedian

"I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place!"

Billy Connolly, Comedian

"I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless"

Billy Connolly, Comedian

"I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there"

Billy Connolly, Comedian

"I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered"

Billy Connolly, Comedian

"I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do"

Billy Connolly, Comedian

"Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet"

Billy Connolly, Comedian

"My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.""

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me"

Emo Philips, Comedian

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