Famous quotes by Comedians

"Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I'm a great lover, I'll bet"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"Actually, my CD was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I was with this girl the other night, and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"In our school, you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in, and if you didn't have any, they gave you some"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper?"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: stuff you pay good money for in later life"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks!"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks!"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

"The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

"Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

"You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready?"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

"You have a nice personality, but not for a human being"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

"Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering!"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it!"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

"That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

"She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

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